Duel
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: Chell simply wanted to bother GLaDOS. The mute lunatic did not expect the AI would engage her in a battle for the ownership of her nose, nor did she realise the lasting ramifications of newly gained knowledge. They are severe, and GLaDOS takes advantage.


**Duel**

Hey! Nice to see you! I hope everything is well.

I want to take a moment, before the story begins, to thank each and every one of you who has been kind enough to review any of my Portal fics thus far. I recognise a few recurring names, and this makes me even more happy. It's like I have my own fanbase! (I wish)

Seriously, though. I need your support. I make no money. I just want to make smiles. You know, the _thing_… with the, um… with the face…

I apologise if the following scenario confuses you. It makes (relative) sense in my Portal series since I've developed a relationship between the characters that has grown familiar with each fic published, but if you're new to my works it will seem a little insane. That's what I love about ChellDOS. You can do crazy things with it and magic happens.

Please enjoy the next chunk of my hopefully super-happy-fun Portal universe.

* * *

"Why must you come here? I am busy and you are a distraction." GLaDOS puffs herself out and sends me an imperious glower from high above. "You are distracting my business."

Ignoring her, I ease my Companion Cube to the floor with a huff, affectionately petting it as it settles with a quiet thud. _Whoa, buddy. You are seriously heavy._

"Why do you never listen to me these days? Are you deaf? Have you secretly been deaf recently?"

I happily sit myself upon one of my Cube's cheery, burnt faces, swinging my legs while grinning back up at her. I then make a loving kissing motion and watch with pleasure as she fades out for a moment, then snaps back to reality with a jerk.

"I wish you wouldn't do that."

I wink.

She groans and lowers a set of pincers from the ceiling, offering me a small object held neatly between her metallic talons. "Fine, I'll tolerate your presence, but just keep yourself busy and play with this. It's a Rubik's cube if you couldn't tell. I've been saving it for one of your _visits_."

I take the cube, smiling lopsidedly at the little box. _Um, it's already solved._

"Oh." She takes it from me again and a second set of claws emerges, working together with the first to turn each section of the Rubik's cube with blinding speed until the colours are sufficiently muddled. Then she offers it back and I accept the plaything with a resigned sigh. "There. Have fun."

I watch her turn back to the monitors. I do not want to solve the Rubik's cube. I want to pester GLaDOS and pester her I shall, I decide. So I pretend to make an attempt at solving the little cube in my hands, letting out a loud, merry whistle while I work, sending the AI's rear playful glances as I make as much noise as possible. It's only a matter of time, this I know.

She twitches visibly but pretends to not hear my whistling, moving from monitor to monitor somewhat stiffly. Already I'm annoying her.

I pause for a smirk, then resume my whistling, purposely going off tune because I just know it will drive her crazy eventually. _Come on…_

It doesn't take long before she whips around to stare at me, hard. "Stop that."

I pout and obey. She turns around again and I internally cackle as I proceed to tap the toes of my boots together, producing a definite clicking sound.

"Okay," the hulking robot hisses, managing to maintain general calm as she turns to glare at me again. "That is worse than the whistling. What do you want, lunatic?"

I flutter my lashes at her and coyly turn the Rubik's cube about in my hands. _Oh, you know. Some company would be nice. I came here to see you, not line up colours._

"My attention? Is that what you're after? You want me to acknowledge your existence unnecessarily because you feel lonely or neglected somehow?"

I pull an agonised face. _Well… maybe a little. Does this mean you're going to talk to me, friend GLaDOS?_

She narrows her optic in a definite frown. I love how she does that. "Fine. I am acknowledging your existence. Unnecessarily. May I go back to work now?"

I shake my head and gesture for her to come closer. _Nope, you aren't finished yet. I haven't gotten to pet you today._

She groans painfully. "Please don't make me."

I gesture more firmly and she stoops, defeated, bowing until she's within reach for a fond pat on the white metal of her cheek. _Good girl. Tell me that's not nice._

"Enough snuggle." She pulls back slightly a second later and my hand swipes after her, but she is out of range. She looks greatly disapproving, her large head dwarfing me and my Companion Cube as her yellow glare smoulders upon us like a spotlight. "You are a cruel and horrible person and… wait. That's strange." Her expression softens, taking on a curious air. "I thought I saw… is that a…"

I blink, sitting forward a bit. _What?_

Her optic moves slightly, staring intently at something beyond my shoulder. Suddenly she gasps. "Look! Over there!" She jabs a claw over my shoulder urgently. "A turkey leg!"

Dropping my newly acquired Rubik's cube, my head whips around in search of the shocking turkey leg, but I find nothing but white panels. _Where? I don't see-_

"Got you!" She laughs musically and shoves me in the chest while I try to get over my initial confusion, then annoyance, almost knocking me off my Companion Cube. "That was so easy."

She continues to laugh even when I manage a look of hurt, so with a sulk I regain my balance, frowning up at her. _Oh, you bitch._

"Sorry. I couldn't resist it that time." She laughs for a moment longer, then coughs with false professionalism, managing to stop her gentle giggling. "That was mean. I'm sorry. Truly."

I continue to study her critically. I don't believe her for a second. _Liar._

She manages to innocently maintain eye-optic contact with me for about two seconds longer before spluttering and starting up all over again, her laughter noticeably louder than it was last. "If you could see your _face_…"

I watch her blankly, though eventually my carefully neutral expression turns decidedly more negative. _Hahaha. So hysterical. Go ahead. Have a good, long laugh at me. I'll wait._

Her head tilts back and her optic shutters squeeze closed as if to block out tears, her entire chassis trembling with every pleasured snigger of mirth that steadily deepens my frown. "Your little face… your face… like, 'where's the turkey leg?' And then you realised it wasn't there and… oh gods, that's fantastic!"

I snort, a rather unladylike sound, and fold my arms angrily over my chest. Casting my eyes downwards I see my abandoned Rubik's cube lying unattended between my dangling boots, still mockingly incomplete. I can't look at it much longer and so I close my eyes instead, very aware of my flushed cheeks. And she is still struggling with her mirth, while I quietly sit here, suffering. _You are made of evil._

"Whoo," she manages finally, sounding out of breath. She then adds, with a snigger occasionally inserted in-between, "I've wanted to try that prank on you _forever_, but I told myself 'no, that's cruel' time and time again, and now that I've finally said 'screw it' and done it… I am so glad. Gosh, that was funny."

I sniffle and turn my head to one side, even though my eyes are still tightly shut and I can't see her anyway. _I refuse to speak with you until you apologise for real._

Her giggling trickles to a stop, then ends with a contented sigh. "Wow. Messing you is surprisingly entertaining. But, oh my, your face has changed again. Uh-oh."

I reluctantly open my eyes and meet with her hot gaze. _I'm still waiting for that apology._

"You look grumpy," she comments easily. "Look. You've even got that neat little crinkle above your nose."

I raise a brow. _Crinkle?_

"Here, I'll show you." Her innocent tone cannot hide the malice behind that offer, and I swiftly know what's coming next when a quiet scraping sound alerts me to the ceiling, a panel sneakily sliding aside to open a space from which claws emerge, descending by an arm and moving toward me like a snake, slowly at first, then steadily gaining speed, ominous and sly. "This might hurt a bit…"

It's amazing how quickly the mood of any given situation can change.

I hiss at the set of pincers and they snap together, the sound ringing loudly, threateningly. _This is not an apology!_

"I promise not to brutally maim you," she tells me soothingly, waving her pincers gently from side to side while they continue to open and close menacingly, tilting her chassis casually for emphasis. "_If_ you don't make things too hard and I don't get excited as a result. You know how I love a challenge. This is a punishment for disturbing me while I work, by the way. You deserve whatever happens next."

My eyes widen and my body tenses as I cast a brief glance at the door. I could make a run for it. Maybe. _But the red light is on. Does that mean she locked me in here…?_

"Here we go!" She ought to cackle as she suddenly lunges for my face, giving me no chance to escape. "Try not to move, or I might puncture something important."

Reflexes honed by extensive testing experience, I narrowly dodge the jab and grasp the closest thing that could serve as a wrist, wrestling the lazily snapping pincers away, but not for long. I shuffle back on my Companion Cube, thankfully weighted, and she in turn pushes against my hands, inching toward my face, applying just enough force to make my forehead perspire with the effort it takes to resist_. You… are… insane…_

"Almost. No, don't struggle." She makes another attempt, seemingly intent on grabbing my nose, skimming the tip as I narrowly pull my head back in time. Fortunately she doesn't try very hard and chooses to act like a great big pest rather than, say, a homicidal robot wanting to rip off my face. "I see. You're still struggling. Why are you still struggling? Don't you know your resistance only entices me further? I'm sure I already told you that I enjoy a little futile resistance. Please? I just want to point out the crinkle. Honest."

I stubbornly grin as her steel claws continually threaten to 'point out' the apparent crinkle only to be foiled time and time again, and it's a little silly really, if a bit harrowing as well. Silly until she abruptly twists out of my grasp and I have to raise my forearm to block her, meanwhile imagining intense battle music.

"Disobedient little human. Come, now. I just want to show it to you…" She narrows her optic with determination and distinct pleasure, lightly slapping my arm aside and moving in again. No matter how hard I push she's always on the attack, always mere inches from my precious nose. "_Why_ are you being so difficult, hmm? It's like you don't want me to touch you or something."

I open my mouth wide in wheezy laughter and turn my head to the side, my cheek taking the assault. She pinches it just enough for me to see she means business. She is upping her game here.

"Well, too bad, because I don't care about what you want and I will get that crinkle eventually. Just you wait. And then I will detach it from the rest of your face and you will see what I mean when I said playing hard to get only makes me excited." I'd be terrified, if her tone wasn't quite so playful. "Lunatic."

I pull back enough to give her a wiggle of my eyebrows. _I'm not impressed._

She pauses her assault, seemingly taken aback by my boldness, then shifts a shutter suggestively in turn. "_Touché_. Well, don't say I never warned you. Because now you've just asked for it." She proceeds to thrust against me again, though considerably more forcefully than before.

I squeak at the sudden increase in power, my biceps bulging with supreme effort, forearms quivering, fingers slipping, Companion Cube scraping over the floor. I make the mistake of turning to check my grip and an opportunistic claw swipes the tip of my nose.

She hums the _Jaws_ theme.

Suddenly, I lose said grip, and thanking my adrenaline rush I proceed to fight her grasping pincers away kicking and swiping like an idiot as she persistently tries to grab my vulnerable nose, grasping softly at it a number of times. She doesn't even seem interested in the crinkle, but rather, the nice squishy cartilage lower down. _No! Get back! Back I say!_

"Now you look concerned. I like that look on you. Because it means I'm scaring you and I like the feeling of power that prospect offers. It makes me all warm inside."

I'm pushed too far and forced to lie back on my Companion Cube, all the while thinking how weird she just sounded, and her pincers still pursue me. I narrowly manage to seize each metal claw and wrestle them away like the open jaws of a crocodile, fighting for dominance. I hope she's recording this battle, because I bet I look really badass right now and I'd like to see the video.

Suddenly she pulls back, slipping out my sweaty hands. It seems like the game is over, and she appears troubled for some reason. "Wait. I think you've picked up weight."

I frown at her and cock my head, gasping a little as I take the chance to breathe. _What? Where? _My eyes bulge with realisation when that mask of worry switches back quickly to malice. _Wait, no!_

"Here." With a flourish she lowers her aim and plunges again, squeezing my hips while I wriggle and squirm ineffectively beneath her _looming_ gaze. "Ah, yes. I feel a distinct cushiony layer. Have you been slacking? Is it all this rich food I've been feeding you? Oh, no, no, _no_. We simply cannot have this."

I cover my face with my hands and kick helplessly. The fat jokes never did end. _Vulture_.

"I think we should trim you a bit. You know, just for aesthetic purposes. Like a tree. Cut off some layers here," she says softly while digging a claw in the most sensitive area of my hips and causing me to jerk in response, before moving upwards slightly to pinch my waist. "And here. Oh, and here also. And here. And there. Better do this bit while we're at it, too. I'll make a note."

I breathe heavily through caged fingers and gritted teeth as my head dangles over the Companion Cube's edge, caught between pleasure and slight agony as she continues to slowly move upward while somehow making this torture ticklish. Also, I really don't want her to take any more notes. I'm sure this is the most sinister thing she has ever done to any human being ever, and that fact has been duly noted already.

"I'm not entirely sure what we should do about _those_. But they're not really important, are they? I suppose we could just pop them right now, get it over with. Nice and _quick_."

My hands fly apart and I lift my head to shoot a downwards glare at those rising pincers. They're dangerously near my chest, evidently her next target. _Uh-oh._

"Would you miss them?" her voice purrs pleasantly, shifting metal dragging my top upward, the material pooling beneath her touch. She prods my higher ribs teasingly, making me twitch. "Be honest. They're probably what slow you down during testing. Imagine how much faster you'll fly with the weight loss. Not that I'm flattering your size, but it is useless fat. You'll look just fine without them. Trust me."

Pleadingly my eyes move to meet with her smirking optic and I offer her a charming, desperate little smile. _Umm, don't. Please?_

"Are you sure?"

I nod frantically, wincing at another squeeze. _Yes. I am very, very sure. Very sure!_

"Oh, _all right_." She rolls her optic and finally releases me, and I would have probably slid off my precarious perch if not for her slowly dragging her claws back down my limp body and over to my stomach, weighing me down as she settles them near my exposed belly button. "You're no fun at all."

I manage a weak look of indignation, my neck aching with the effort it takes just to hold my head high enough to glower at her.

She regards me for a moment longer before adding almost seductively, "But in return you must admit defeat, acknowledge that I am superior to you in every way, and let me stake temporary claim over your nose. Those are my terms. Deal?"

Unable to move and left with no choice because she's on another power trip and she might just act on it, I'm forced to reluctantly nod my head, but only once, and I am sure to show my displeasure in my face. It is now scowling. _Fine. Do it quickly and let me get back to my Rubik's cube. Also, I hate you._

"_Excellent_." She quickly grabs my thigh and pulls me into a more stable position, then with the exuberance of a mad scientist she raises her metal pincers high above my face as if ready to perform unfortunate surgery with them, only to carefully reach down and ever so lightly take hold of my nose, hardly even squeezing it. The metal, thankfully, isn't ice cold. "I win."

I flinch, a little fearful with my vulnerability.

She unhelpfully unleashes the most absurdly evil giggle I have ever heard, then moves a little closet to me and says sweetly, "Got your nose."

Triumphing over my initial terror and amazement – she has quite the vocal range – and accepting that, currently, she owns my nose, I unhappily puff air to cool my face. _I hardly think it was a fair match._

"I beat you. We have acknowledged my superiority to you, meagre human." Her chassis offers an excited little tremble. "I rule, you suck. Do you feel bad? Because it's perfectly normal and wholly acceptable if you do."

I sarcastically applaud. _Very good. Now let me go._

"Wait, I need to set the mood. Announcer! Victory Music, please."

I arch a brow. _What?_

"Victory Music initiated," answers a familiar, terminally cheerful voice. The Announcer then continues with playful humour, "Please have a spanking-good time, courtesy of your family here at Aperture Sciences. Because we care – about _science_!"

I jerk with alarm as the Central Chamber is suddenly filled with tremendous noise, reaching up to cover my ears. _What is that? It's horrible! Victory music? More like the music you murder babies by!_

"Aah! There it goes." Somehow her voice rises above the racket. "Boom, boom, boom… _very_ victory like. I should have used this before. I rather like it."

I can only lie here, panting and soaked with sweat, feeling vibrations through my dear Companion Cube thanks to the so-called 'Victory Music' blaring above and seemingly everywhere at once, echoing against the curving panelled walls.

"I know I said before that dancing is fun and therefore bad…" She pauses as if needing to think deeply about something truly serious. "Well, bad and wrong, I suppose. There should be a singular term for that. Bad-wrong. Like, _badong_. So anyway, I know I said before that dancing is fun and therefore badong and that it is strictly forbidden here in my merry Aperture Sciences facility. However, I am the boss and I can break the rules if I want to. So, sucks to be you, I suppose. I shall proceed to humiliate you further by dancing. Commencing protocol; 'Victory Dance', now. Might want to back up a bit, loser. I need _room_."

I manage to sit up once my nose is released, only to watch as true to word the horrible AI begins to dance –skilfully, at that – over my exhausted body. _Oh, you bitch._

She chuckles and throws her headpiece back, evidently enjoying herself, humming along to the pounding Victory Music that perfectly matches her accompanying dance. "This really is fun! So badong! I truly feel alive while humiliating you in this way, Test Subject!"

My teeth grind together while I glare icily up at her wriggling form, pounding a sweaty fist in my palm with dark passion._ Relish your dance while you can, GLaDOS. For I will have my revenge._

"You lost, I won, you lost, I won," she sings angelically, and if the lyrics weren't so unsavoury I would have been inspired. "I beat you and you now have to sit there while I break the rules like a boss, because I am the boss, like a boss, am the boss, your boss, forever and ever…"

Turning away from this mocking display, I note with a sigh that the little red light is still on, meaning the door is still locked. Reaching down to pick up my fallen Rubik's cube, I mentally steel myself for a very long evening, taking solace in the process of silently, diligently, plotting my revenge. _Like a boss, hmm? We shall see._

"Na-na-na-na… _oh_! I just remembered something." The Victory Music screeches to a sudden halt and she hums thoughtfully in the brief lapse of dialogue that follows. "Yes. This is very interesting. How could I forget in the first place? Wow. This changes everything."

I glance back, intrigued, then huffily look forward again as, having ceased her dancing, the AI lowers her head to my level and I don't want to speak to her right now nor do I want to look at her smug face. Unperturbed, she simply continues to address me from behind, and I continue to pretend not to listen to her.

"By the way," she purrs against the back of my neck, making it tingle. "I technically do own your nose. In fact I own your entire person. Permanently."

I frown, but don't give her the satisfaction of a proper reaction to such troubling news. _Oh? And how's that?_

"In case you were wondering, and I'm almost certain you are, it was part of the contract you signed when you registered yourself for testing. You gave up your body to science. I _am_ science." She stops momentarily, letting this awful news sink in my unwilling sponge-brain. "I forgive you for not realising this sooner. It was a very long and tedious contract and I am so very enigmatic in my sciency ways. Now, anyway…"

My mouth is drawn into a thin, anxious line.

"I'm telling you this because I thought you should know that you do not own yourself. Aperture does. And I am Aperture. Either way you look at things, you still lose." By this stage her voice has dropped to sinisterly low levels, causing my stomach to clench. "Legally speaking, as you are Aperture's property and therefore _my_ property… I can do with you whatever I wish."

I narrowly avoid choking as I feel her brush the lower section of her face suggestively along the length of my back. This is very, very badong news.

"I suggest strongly that you behave yourself in the future, Test Subject, or I may have to act on my legal rights. You know what a sucker I am for protocol." The door opens with a hiss and I sense her pull away, laughing quietly at my stillness. "It's getting late. You should really get to bed. Goodnight, _my_ lunatic. Try to leave in a quiet and orderly fashion. I am so very busy."

I drop my Rubik's cube, horrified, and mechanically stumble to the exit, abandoning my friendly Companion Cube for another day. _No. No. No. No._

"Sweet dreams," she calls after me, like she honestly expects me to sleep tonight. Before the door closes I hear her restart the Victory Music, but with the volume turned right down until it sounds distant, echoing, ghostly.

That song follows me all the way to bed.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed that craziness. The 'badong' reference I stole from an awesomely random movie called _Kung-Pow! Enter the Fist_. And _Jaws_ is of course the famous movie about the shark. I own neither, and I also do not own Portal, nor do I own any of Aperture Science's various gadgets, Test Subjects, and AI characters. But if I _could_, I would totally adopt GLaDOS. That would be _so cool_…

Take care!


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